A conundrum:
Consider yourself shy, and others will probably judge you as being snobby, an asshole, or ignorant, all because you don't always say what you're thinking.
Become confident and you'll still get called an asshole, because you're assertive.
I'm not sure what's worse - to be quiet and to be quietly judged,
or to be open & honest, even if you make some enemies while doing so.
Unrelated note:
I don't care if it's lame - "Tiny Vessels" and "Someday You Will Be Loved" by Death Cab make me choke up. Almost every time.
9.23.2007
9.07.2007
I wish you could bury memories in a time capsule.
Quixotic notions are what I do best.
If you consistently & consciously set yourself up for disappointment, your life will be full of pleasant little surprises!
Don't sit home alone with a plateful of freshly-baked cupcakes sitting in the kitchen.
Having people critique one of my poems for half an hour makes me feel like I'm sitting in a psychologist's office.
My daily life has reached a point where meals are the most exciting part of my day.
I also put off going to bed, so that I can sleep in later & the days will go by more quickly.
When I think of Autumn, I imagine myself wearing a scarf and going on walks with glowing pink cheeks. In reality, I'll still be sitting here.
Quixotic notions are what I do best.
If you consistently & consciously set yourself up for disappointment, your life will be full of pleasant little surprises!
Don't sit home alone with a plateful of freshly-baked cupcakes sitting in the kitchen.
Having people critique one of my poems for half an hour makes me feel like I'm sitting in a psychologist's office.
My daily life has reached a point where meals are the most exciting part of my day.
I also put off going to bed, so that I can sleep in later & the days will go by more quickly.
When I think of Autumn, I imagine myself wearing a scarf and going on walks with glowing pink cheeks. In reality, I'll still be sitting here.
Quixotic notions are what I do best.
9.04.2007
It's Tuesday.
My all-time favorite song to listen to while bike-riding is none other than Purple Bottle by Animal Collective.
It's sort of lengthy, which means you have just enough time to daydream, and it's upbeat enough that you don't want to stop pedaling.
Really, I just think Feels is a great album overall to listen to while outdoors, or at least riding in a car with the windows down. (So is Strawberry Jam, but unfortunately, I have some slightly negative connotations with that album now, so I'll have to wait a bit before I can really enjoy it out in the sunshine).
I don't know if I want to be buried when I die.
I don't really want to lie and rot, but at the same time, the whole coffin-and-flowers-and-tombstone bit does have slightly romantic overtones. Someone weeping on a patch of soil and hugging a slab of cold granite in memory of me isn't totally unappealing.
Then again, being cremated might not be too bad. I mean, I could sit on a mantle somewhere and be part of everyday life in that house, and absorb the odors from Thursday nights' lasagna dinners.
I don't want to assume that I have a lot of time to consider & think about these things. Maybe I'll just stick with mummification.
Few things are better than reaching into a box of cereal that has marshmallows (like Lucky Charms) and pulling out a big clump of just the little marshmallow things. Pure, sugary heaven.
It's sort of lengthy, which means you have just enough time to daydream, and it's upbeat enough that you don't want to stop pedaling.
Really, I just think Feels is a great album overall to listen to while outdoors, or at least riding in a car with the windows down. (So is Strawberry Jam, but unfortunately, I have some slightly negative connotations with that album now, so I'll have to wait a bit before I can really enjoy it out in the sunshine).
I don't know if I want to be buried when I die.
I don't really want to lie and rot, but at the same time, the whole coffin-and-flowers-and-tombstone bit does have slightly romantic overtones. Someone weeping on a patch of soil and hugging a slab of cold granite in memory of me isn't totally unappealing.
Then again, being cremated might not be too bad. I mean, I could sit on a mantle somewhere and be part of everyday life in that house, and absorb the odors from Thursday nights' lasagna dinners.
I don't want to assume that I have a lot of time to consider & think about these things. Maybe I'll just stick with mummification.
Few things are better than reaching into a box of cereal that has marshmallows (like Lucky Charms) and pulling out a big clump of just the little marshmallow things. Pure, sugary heaven.
8.31.2007
Running late.
Songs from M.I.A.'s album Kala, in order from my most favorite to least:
1. Come Around (features Timbaland)
2. Bird Flu
3. Boyz
4. $20
5. Bamboo Banger
6. Hussel
7. Jimmy
8. Down River
9. XR2
10. The Turn
11. Mango Pickle Down River (This song would be perfectly good if it wasn't for the singing chipmunks or whatever the hell is going on)
12. Paper Planes (Again, I like this song until the chorus kicks in. Then I just wish the machine guns would take me out, too)
SOMEONE TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS LIST.
Imaginary monologue:
"Maybe you can catch up to me, in the total number of people you've slept with, and then we can have meetings where we sit around and hate each other and ourselves, and our need for empty affairs, because the only purpose they serve is to act as an affirmation that we aren't utter monsters, or at least, that we can still hide our ugly selves from strangers, if only for one night."
Vegetable cream cheese is delicious on pretzels, chips, bagels (of course), and probably anything else you can think of. It also stays fresh for a lot longer than I expected...which makes me somewhat suspicious.
My cat has been uncharacteristically affectionate lately. Maybe she feels guilty for killing the birds, after all.
As much as everyone complains about sweating and the humidity, I swear I'm the only one that I ever see actually sweating.
I used a turntable during my radio shift for the first time last night! Some guy called in and requested "any Grateful Dead song" for his friend's bachelor party. Suddenly, I felt responsible for these guys' good time. I was always terrified of using one on-air, because I wasn't sure how to start a song exactly at the beginning. I tried it out beforehand and I thought I had it down...but when the time came to start up "Sugar Magnolia", my hands were shaking and I dropped the needle on the end of the 3rd track instead of the beginning of the 4th. Real smooth, right? I just told myself that it was sort of like an intro.
Plans for this weekend: party, meet Michael, watch the game on TV, party, see some local bands, sleep at one point or another, tell Michael goodbye, suddenly remember all of my homework, continue to put off homework until the last minute.
1. Come Around (features Timbaland)
2. Bird Flu
3. Boyz
4. $20
5. Bamboo Banger
6. Hussel
7. Jimmy
8. Down River
9. XR2
10. The Turn
11. Mango Pickle Down River (This song would be perfectly good if it wasn't for the singing chipmunks or whatever the hell is going on)
12. Paper Planes (Again, I like this song until the chorus kicks in. Then I just wish the machine guns would take me out, too)
SOMEONE TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS LIST.
Imaginary monologue:
"Maybe you can catch up to me, in the total number of people you've slept with, and then we can have meetings where we sit around and hate each other and ourselves, and our need for empty affairs, because the only purpose they serve is to act as an affirmation that we aren't utter monsters, or at least, that we can still hide our ugly selves from strangers, if only for one night."
Vegetable cream cheese is delicious on pretzels, chips, bagels (of course), and probably anything else you can think of. It also stays fresh for a lot longer than I expected...which makes me somewhat suspicious.
My cat has been uncharacteristically affectionate lately. Maybe she feels guilty for killing the birds, after all.
As much as everyone complains about sweating and the humidity, I swear I'm the only one that I ever see actually sweating.
I used a turntable during my radio shift for the first time last night! Some guy called in and requested "any Grateful Dead song" for his friend's bachelor party. Suddenly, I felt responsible for these guys' good time. I was always terrified of using one on-air, because I wasn't sure how to start a song exactly at the beginning. I tried it out beforehand and I thought I had it down...but when the time came to start up "Sugar Magnolia", my hands were shaking and I dropped the needle on the end of the 3rd track instead of the beginning of the 4th. Real smooth, right? I just told myself that it was sort of like an intro.
Plans for this weekend: party, meet Michael, watch the game on TV, party, see some local bands, sleep at one point or another, tell Michael goodbye, suddenly remember all of my homework, continue to put off homework until the last minute.
8.29.2007
5 Minutes To Spill
-Florida's Natural Fruit Juice Nuggets are delicious, but couldn't they at least try to make them look more appetizing? I feel like I'm eating some sort of pet food.
-I think I'm wearing a hole through my laptop's trackpad.
-I get mad at my cat for killing birds, and then I remember that my dog used to kill cats, so I let it go.
-I keep drinking wine in the evenings, thinking it will put me in a better mood and motivate me to be more creative with my homework. I just end up weeping, going to bed, and not doing any homework. It's easy to blame the wine.
-My upstairs neighbors still have a bowl of mine. The longer I go without asking for it back, the weirder I imagine it will be when I actually do. I feel like I need to make up an excuse for why I suddenly need it after three months - "I decided to eat cereal this morning, but I just can't allow myself to enjoy Captain Crunch unless I'm eating it from a black bowl. Speaking of black bowls - you still have mine, right?"
-I'd like to record a new song sometime, but I'm afraid to ask about borrowing someone's microphone, because that puts pressure on me to actually record something of value (or anything at all).
-I'm probably the only one who does this, but sometimes while I'm talking to someone, I suddenly think about how I'm the only one talking - and how they're listening to just me - and it sort of freaks me out. I lose all train of thought and start to get embarrassed.
-Most of the time when I write poetry, I realize that I'm really writing it for someone else to read. For tonight's assignment - fuck that.
-I think I'm wearing a hole through my laptop's trackpad.
-I get mad at my cat for killing birds, and then I remember that my dog used to kill cats, so I let it go.
-I keep drinking wine in the evenings, thinking it will put me in a better mood and motivate me to be more creative with my homework. I just end up weeping, going to bed, and not doing any homework. It's easy to blame the wine.
-My upstairs neighbors still have a bowl of mine. The longer I go without asking for it back, the weirder I imagine it will be when I actually do. I feel like I need to make up an excuse for why I suddenly need it after three months - "I decided to eat cereal this morning, but I just can't allow myself to enjoy Captain Crunch unless I'm eating it from a black bowl. Speaking of black bowls - you still have mine, right?"
-I'd like to record a new song sometime, but I'm afraid to ask about borrowing someone's microphone, because that puts pressure on me to actually record something of value (or anything at all).
-I'm probably the only one who does this, but sometimes while I'm talking to someone, I suddenly think about how I'm the only one talking - and how they're listening to just me - and it sort of freaks me out. I lose all train of thought and start to get embarrassed.
-Most of the time when I write poetry, I realize that I'm really writing it for someone else to read. For tonight's assignment - fuck that.
8.21.2007
Collected Thoughts In An Unorganized Manner
Every time I laugh, I realize how much I've missed doing so.
I liked the tie that my poetry teacher wore today. Knit, green, and navy-striped. Paired with a white button-down, a grey suit-coat, some pants that I can't recall specifically, and New Balances.
His name also has more double letters than any other name I've seen.
As always, the weather has been frustrating. Yesterday, it rained so much that three pairs of my shoes ended up soaked, two different outfits were drenched, and my hair was consistently wet for over 24 hours. Yet, today, it was more humid than I can remember it being all summer. Please, let it be Autumn soon!
Reoccurring daydreams lately:
-My electronic media class somehow helping me become the next Michel Gondry
-How nice it will feel when I can actually enjoy hanging out and relaxing again
-Living in the late 70s/early 80s, hanging out with my late uncle James, and playing Talking Heads albums as they come out
-Sipping wine while finally finishing my dinosaur painting and listening to records on a new record player
ONE DAY, THESE WILL COME TRUE. Well...maybe a couple of them.
Best purchases recently:
Red skinny pants - $7.99 at Gadzooks
LBD - $49 at Pacsun (worth it.)
At least one thing to be excited about in my world:
-The book I got at the library today: "Four Spirits", by Sena Jeter Naslund. I loved her book, "Abundance", a historical-fiction work about Marie Antoinette, and this one seems pretty interesting - and not only because when I opened it to a random page, the first line that caught my eye was: "She hated him. She longed for cruel revenge. To fuck him up the ass until he screamed." Honestly - it should be really good.
Currently searching for:
-The card game "Pit"
-Music by The Hentchmen
-My self-esteem
I liked the tie that my poetry teacher wore today. Knit, green, and navy-striped. Paired with a white button-down, a grey suit-coat, some pants that I can't recall specifically, and New Balances.
His name also has more double letters than any other name I've seen.
As always, the weather has been frustrating. Yesterday, it rained so much that three pairs of my shoes ended up soaked, two different outfits were drenched, and my hair was consistently wet for over 24 hours. Yet, today, it was more humid than I can remember it being all summer. Please, let it be Autumn soon!
Reoccurring daydreams lately:
-My electronic media class somehow helping me become the next Michel Gondry
-How nice it will feel when I can actually enjoy hanging out and relaxing again
-Living in the late 70s/early 80s, hanging out with my late uncle James, and playing Talking Heads albums as they come out
-Sipping wine while finally finishing my dinosaur painting and listening to records on a new record player
ONE DAY, THESE WILL COME TRUE. Well...maybe a couple of them.
Best purchases recently:
Red skinny pants - $7.99 at Gadzooks
LBD - $49 at Pacsun (worth it.)
At least one thing to be excited about in my world:
-The book I got at the library today: "Four Spirits", by Sena Jeter Naslund. I loved her book, "Abundance", a historical-fiction work about Marie Antoinette, and this one seems pretty interesting - and not only because when I opened it to a random page, the first line that caught my eye was: "She hated him. She longed for cruel revenge. To fuck him up the ass until he screamed." Honestly - it should be really good.
Currently searching for:
-The card game "Pit"
-Music by The Hentchmen
-My self-esteem
8.02.2007
(A reflection written for drawing class)
Looking back: September 2006-April 2007
"It's the little things that remind me of how certain months felt. The way a certain shirt will smell of laundry detergent that I used to use, or specific albums that I listened to endlessly. Usually I don't even realize how much of an impact certain events had on me, until those little things raise their heads again.
The first month or so that I was here was filled with a blank depression. I didn't miss home (wherever that is); it came down to pure loneliness. I didn't want to eat alone and see other people making friends - a simple task that most people seem to relish but that makes me break into a cold sweat - so I hid in my room and chose not to eat.
The next period came in a sudden whirlwind of activity. I didn't have time to be alone if that's what I'd wanted. I hurt people because I'd forgotten how to act like a sociable human being. I was so desperate for any kind of attention. The end of the first semester brought the reflection, "These past few months have probably been the best months of my life." That was an exaggeration.
Now, I'm comfortable. I won't go to class in my pajamas, but I can fore-go those when I'm not sleeping alone. I take things for granted, specifically things like having someone who is what both my brain and heart have always wanted. I guess once we get that thing we want, no matter how much we desired it, it seems less important, and that's unfortunate. Nonetheless, he is the most important thing in my life.
My capacity for creative thinking has grown (along with my waistline), and I owe that to a few specific people (and foods). I've learned that I'm never going to be amazing at anything, but now that the pressure is decreasing as far as that goes, I'm more inclined to do what I want (especially in artwork). I can draw a lot better, I'm learning to be less shy, and I never skip dessert. But, I still wear the same shoes that I have for four years, even though all the seams are busting."
-from my sketchbook for freshman year art classes
"It's the little things that remind me of how certain months felt. The way a certain shirt will smell of laundry detergent that I used to use, or specific albums that I listened to endlessly. Usually I don't even realize how much of an impact certain events had on me, until those little things raise their heads again.
The first month or so that I was here was filled with a blank depression. I didn't miss home (wherever that is); it came down to pure loneliness. I didn't want to eat alone and see other people making friends - a simple task that most people seem to relish but that makes me break into a cold sweat - so I hid in my room and chose not to eat.
The next period came in a sudden whirlwind of activity. I didn't have time to be alone if that's what I'd wanted. I hurt people because I'd forgotten how to act like a sociable human being. I was so desperate for any kind of attention. The end of the first semester brought the reflection, "These past few months have probably been the best months of my life." That was an exaggeration.
Now, I'm comfortable. I won't go to class in my pajamas, but I can fore-go those when I'm not sleeping alone. I take things for granted, specifically things like having someone who is what both my brain and heart have always wanted. I guess once we get that thing we want, no matter how much we desired it, it seems less important, and that's unfortunate. Nonetheless, he is the most important thing in my life.
My capacity for creative thinking has grown (along with my waistline), and I owe that to a few specific people (and foods). I've learned that I'm never going to be amazing at anything, but now that the pressure is decreasing as far as that goes, I'm more inclined to do what I want (especially in artwork). I can draw a lot better, I'm learning to be less shy, and I never skip dessert. But, I still wear the same shoes that I have for four years, even though all the seams are busting."
-from my sketchbook for freshman year art classes
7.30.2007
Concert Memoir: The White Stripes
First off, this was my second time seeing the White Stripes (I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to see my favorite band twice!) and I enjoyed this show just as much as the first time I saw them.
However, it was a pretty different experience...
CONCERT COMPARISON TIME!
1st Time (In Phoenix):
-the venue was a huge old theater
-I had assigned seats (not bad seats, they were in the 2nd row, but still seats nonetheless)
-I went to the show with my boyfriend whom I'd recently broken up with and hadn't seen in a couple of weeks (see: awkward city)
-Most of the material they played was off their latest release, Get Behind Me Satan
-They had various decorations on stage and their backdrop was black with a glowing white apple that later turned red
-Jack and Meg were in somewhat elaborate costume
-Their encore consisted of mostly covers (Jolene, De Ballad Of De Boll Weevil)
...as opposed to:
2nd Time (In Fairfax):
-the venue was a large college stadium
-I had floor seats (We were fairly close, but I got sick and had to leave for a period of time, so when we got back we were farther away...and I'm shorter than most of the people that were there, so it was hard to see at times. Still better than assigned seats, though)
-Attended the show with my loving boyfriend :)
-Only played 4 songs off their newest album, Icky Thump... a lot of older material was included
-Simpler stage setup, with a solid red backdrop - it did have 2 giant steps in front of it, though, that Jack strutted on a couple of times
-Awesome light effects, courtesy of a large spinning disco ball that reflected red and white lights
-Meg and Jack were more casually dressed
-The encore actually didn't include Jolene
Similarities:
-Both shows opened with "Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground"
-Both included "Seven Nation Army" in their encore sets
-Both were fucking awesome
I was really glad that I got to hear "Screwdriver" live again. It's probably my favorite White Stripes song, or one of my very top favorites. Icky Thump was amazing live, especially when Jack made it a medley with "When I Hear My Name". There were actually a lot of songs that he mixed together...especially using some of their oldest material. That was exciting for me, because I think some of their best songs, or at least most entertaining, are on their debut album.
So, I may not have gotten any M&Ms from one of Jack's bodyguard look-a-likes this time (sugar never tasted so good), but I DID almost run into them when I was leaving the backstage area, after being sick (the nurse). Too bad I didn't get to actually see them back there.
Seen this summer: The National, The White Stripes
Hopefully seeing soon: Animal Collective (in September)
However, it was a pretty different experience...
CONCERT COMPARISON TIME!
1st Time (In Phoenix):
-the venue was a huge old theater
-I had assigned seats (not bad seats, they were in the 2nd row, but still seats nonetheless)
-I went to the show with my boyfriend whom I'd recently broken up with and hadn't seen in a couple of weeks (see: awkward city)
-Most of the material they played was off their latest release, Get Behind Me Satan
-They had various decorations on stage and their backdrop was black with a glowing white apple that later turned red
-Jack and Meg were in somewhat elaborate costume
-Their encore consisted of mostly covers (Jolene, De Ballad Of De Boll Weevil)
...as opposed to:
2nd Time (In Fairfax):
-the venue was a large college stadium
-I had floor seats (We were fairly close, but I got sick and had to leave for a period of time, so when we got back we were farther away...and I'm shorter than most of the people that were there, so it was hard to see at times. Still better than assigned seats, though)
-Attended the show with my loving boyfriend :)
-Only played 4 songs off their newest album, Icky Thump... a lot of older material was included
-Simpler stage setup, with a solid red backdrop - it did have 2 giant steps in front of it, though, that Jack strutted on a couple of times
-Awesome light effects, courtesy of a large spinning disco ball that reflected red and white lights
-Meg and Jack were more casually dressed
-The encore actually didn't include Jolene
Similarities:
-Both shows opened with "Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground"
-Both included "Seven Nation Army" in their encore sets
-Both were fucking awesome
I was really glad that I got to hear "Screwdriver" live again. It's probably my favorite White Stripes song, or one of my very top favorites. Icky Thump was amazing live, especially when Jack made it a medley with "When I Hear My Name". There were actually a lot of songs that he mixed together...especially using some of their oldest material. That was exciting for me, because I think some of their best songs, or at least most entertaining, are on their debut album.
So, I may not have gotten any M&Ms from one of Jack's bodyguard look-a-likes this time (sugar never tasted so good), but I DID almost run into them when I was leaving the backstage area, after being sick (the nurse). Too bad I didn't get to actually see them back there.
Seen this summer: The National, The White Stripes
Hopefully seeing soon: Animal Collective (in September)
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