Looking back: September 2006-April 2007
"It's the little things that remind me of how certain months felt. The way a certain shirt will smell of laundry detergent that I used to use, or specific albums that I listened to endlessly. Usually I don't even realize how much of an impact certain events had on me, until those little things raise their heads again.
The first month or so that I was here was filled with a blank depression. I didn't miss home (wherever that is); it came down to pure loneliness. I didn't want to eat alone and see other people making friends - a simple task that most people seem to relish but that makes me break into a cold sweat - so I hid in my room and chose not to eat.
The next period came in a sudden whirlwind of activity. I didn't have time to be alone if that's what I'd wanted. I hurt people because I'd forgotten how to act like a sociable human being. I was so desperate for any kind of attention. The end of the first semester brought the reflection, "These past few months have probably been the best months of my life." That was an exaggeration.
Now, I'm comfortable. I won't go to class in my pajamas, but I can fore-go those when I'm not sleeping alone. I take things for granted, specifically things like having someone who is what both my brain and heart have always wanted. I guess once we get that thing we want, no matter how much we desired it, it seems less important, and that's unfortunate. Nonetheless, he is the most important thing in my life.
My capacity for creative thinking has grown (along with my waistline), and I owe that to a few specific people (and foods). I've learned that I'm never going to be amazing at anything, but now that the pressure is decreasing as far as that goes, I'm more inclined to do what I want (especially in artwork). I can draw a lot better, I'm learning to be less shy, and I never skip dessert. But, I still wear the same shoes that I have for four years, even though all the seams are busting."
-from my sketchbook for freshman year art classes
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